ummm hi, yes…My name is Brian but my friends call me the Reluctant Rhyme Slayer. Well, they never called me that before tonight…but on the drive over I heard it a lot. I guess I should have probably known something was up. Hey, thanks for signing me up for this guys and oh…by the way…nothing like Karaoke.
alright…so..I guess…umm…can I get a beat? Thanks. Ah yeah…that’s dope. Yo….MTV Raps
Oh before I start I would just like to thank my opponent here for going first and for his many honest words. While they were very hurtful…. I feel like I have a great opportunity to take those observations and make some real changes in my life. First thing Monday I’m going on a diet and getting some clothes that fit.
Also, can I just say you really took that “spitting rhymes” thing to heart. I mean I’ve never been that close to an actual rap and I was not aware how much saliva was involved. Look at me…I’m dripping over here.
Alright, so let’s get this over with…what’s that? Times up? Oh Thank God.
Hey! Young, Dumb and Full of Gum, who told you that you could park on my shooting range…where’s my whistle!
Oh…well hello there…you must be Kathryn Bigelow’s wet dream….I mean…I’m just saying it’s raining out here and you are fulfilling her artist dreams..
Anywho, it’s your turn to take aim at hilariously illustrated bad guys & gals here at the “Sunday Funnies Shooting Range” where it’s funny to shoot stuff in the head… or foot. Because everybody knows… foot trauma is the best form of humorous karma.
Ok, Sammy Idaho or Billy Arkansas or whatever your deal is…If at any point you are “looking California and feeling Minnesota” then just stop. Because at that point “break”…I have probably foreshadowed too far into the future.
C’mon…these are the 90s jokes Brah! Smile already, oh wow…4 out of 5 Dentists agree…that’s creepy…Ok…smiling…it ain’t your thing.
Now where’s my whistle! 100% sure you are going to take your shirt off in about 5 minutes if I don’t get out of here.
Ok Ok. Kate is 9 now and she is losing her faith in Santa Clause and as her dad and I have to fix that.
So I’ve climbed up here on the roof of our house on Christmas Eve and I am going to shimmy…..down the chimmy…hehe…chimmy…AND deliver these age appropriate Christmas gifts for my darling Kate. Who hates Thanksgiving. Weirdo
Ok ok, Straighten up Santa…time to take inventory.
Let’s see, Weird pet from ChinaTown. Check.
Santa Clause Suit 2 sizes too big from ChristmasTown aka JC Penny. Check.
Belly full of Egg Nog from Dorry’s Tavern. Check. Check Checkity Check.
Ok, Ho ho ho, Here we go.
*Grunting and squeezing…a little too fat.
Oh, Hey little fellow what are you doing out of your box. Eww and why are you all slimy and gross.
Move you stupid thing you are gonna make me fall and break my neck. Oh no no no
What manner of spectacle has attracted your attention so splendidly? I ought to carry it in my pocket to help me sack… and to do other pocket things.
Who came upon this? Randy, did you inappropriately fondle this Shyamalan?
Who has done this heinous act? Scott, Ibbott?
The Movie We Do Not Speak Of, has not breached our borders in many years (for some…never). We do NOT go into IT’S plot holes and IT does NOT come to our homes and give us face spankings.. like that one scene with Adrian Brody…that is a face thirsty for a slaps.
The Village is a 2004 American psychological horror film, written, produced, and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, and starring Joaquin Phoenix, Adrien Brody, Bryce Dallas Howard, William Hurt, Sigourney Weaver, and Brendan Gleeson. The film is about a village whose inhabitants live in fear of creatures inhabiting the woods beyond it referred to as “Those We Don’t Speak Of.”
The Village (2004) -Like Sigourney Weaver knitting a sweater for a Xenomorph. Now that is a twist… & a hook & a twist. OH, LOOK I MADE A SWEATER.
Someone playing the Lute! Lute! Lute!
Big drum…big drum scare me.
Perhaps by the music we are implying an Indian contingent? Gonna eat them villagers! Nom nom…chop ’em up
So many great actors.
Push all credits. Pull Director credit
That sky is so fake!
Derbys! Dirty Derbys! oh…sorry…dead dead dead.
Nah…we just gonna sit back here on the other side of this fence while you “pine” away for your loved one.
1890-1897 … 7 ish
Outdoor long table. Man the flys…where are the flys!?
He likes the howling. It makes him clap happy.
We were eating veggies…but all of our bowls are full of oats when we wash them.
I will give M. Night this…he knows how to capture believable life in a camera.
Bury the red flowers…get serious with the sweeping now!
Trees are so noisy at night…creek creek..chirp chirp
“What manner of spectacle has attracted your attention so splendidly? I ought to carry it in my pocket to help me teach.” That was a lot just to say “what you kids looking at?”
Found the flies!
“Those We Don’t Speak Of killed it.” SHHHH…we don’t speak of them!
Meat Eaters…Large Claws.
We got a truce.
Ripley is knitting!
Why am I always knitting? Cause I have been working on this one bootie for 2 weeks.
Hello…I’m here to read a letter. I wrote it. Also, it has an end. Here is it…The End
Finton Coin! I am Finton!
My name is Lucius I sleep on a dirt floor.
Who killed the puppy!
I always forget what a fortnight is. Forkknife.
Our boundary has not been breached. We would know…I’m talking about sex.
hey…papa! can I marry a boy? it’s Lucius.
haha! I love you Lucius. I love you more than the sun and moon together!
Life is long and love is deep…damn…now I want to cry.
Where do they get their top 40 Village songs?
Hey Lucius…I’m a lush and you don’t talk…just like my dead son.
Let’s play a game of “grab the stick and get whacked!.”
A blind girl and a boy who likes to hit with sticks run to the hills to meet the quite one.
Red is bad. Yellow is good.
Some people have a haze…purple haze?
“You run like a boy…in case you can’t see it….oh wait.”
Ivy got a crush on Lucius!
Look…Lucius don’t think stuff is funny.
Berry…the bad color!
Meanwhile, Down at the Resting Rock.
Mom just laid down the nasty truth about Daddy and Town.
This place is full of secrets ma!
Somebody likes Mom…he never touches you…would that make Ivy my sister? can we still make babies? This is a small village with not many options. That is why I really want to go to town.
I got on my village poncho! Time to face those who we do not speak of.
Oh hi…I’m just blind and playing a night game outside…cause it is always night for me.
Noah needs medicine that will help him hold still.
Kitty is giddy for love!
She wants to marry the shirt guy…maybe you could pick him up some more shirts while you are in town…if you don’t die.
Oh snap! That ain’t Lucius…Thanks for the Jump Scare Mr. Night.
Noah has one of them “slap me faces”
Uh…that is scary. Night is always great at showing you just enough to scare the pants out of you visually.
She is serious about waiting for Lucius.
Damn I just got chills when he grabbed her hand to save her….and the music swells.
Gee…a note…I wonder who wrote a note…could it be Lucius the village note writer? yep.
So much shame!! shame…shame… I knew that kid was no good.
Could someone please come get Noah…thank you!
Well that was fun…now let’s go outside and eat at the big tables….”we are grateful…for the time we have been given.”
Sounds like Town is a real shit show.
This place wants to burn.
That is a lot of dead animals…on your wedding night!!
WHO TOOK MY HIDES AND FEATHERS!
The marks are high….Coyotes can not reach that high…duh.
Why you on this porch?!
The boys played The Stump….this village needs some new games!
Tell me my color blind witch!!
One of the most beautiful romantic scenes in any movie. Man M. Night is the man.
Aww…that went well…Sisters are cool with each other…doubtful.
Let’s see how the boys fair. Nope…not so good.
That was super effective…totally freaky…so quiet…no screaming. Is that more realistic?
Noah has been bad.
Oh wow…did you know we are full of the bad color?
An accident? Yeah…Lucius fell on a knife…like 20 times.
Mr. Walker!!! Mr. Walker!!
Thoughts and prayers.
Uh oh…Noah gets a face spanking.
What are we talking about here…going to the towns?
a dollar into 5 in a fortnight…
What is in the shed! Why would she scream?!
Ivy and her merry band of two. All in Yellow. Kiss a fellow.
I got a bag of rocks pa!
Christop is like…nah! Why ain’t I never heard of no safe rocks! and why am I wearing this yellow…I don’t even like yellow!
an hour in…and the truth will set you free!!
Have fun Ivy. I’m gone.
The ceremony of meat! Not the ceremony of meet!
Damn you elders!
They are making some good points…but I’m mad as hell at them for lying to me.
and now I’m in a hole. Thanks a lot ya pansy boys.
Love will find a way! or die trying! sometimes that way is throwing rocks.
Man. these are the shittiest elders ever. Lie to their kids their entire lives…then send a blind girl out to head to the village.
So we are still going on the idea that there could be evil in the woods…because…once there was evil.
If that thing suddenly runs at us…EEEEK
Why doesn’t anyone ever dress up as the bad creature in this movie?
These elders are the worst elders ever.
Oh I know…let’s hide the extra monster costumes under the floorboards. by the way…that is some high quality monster garb for the 1800s
Noah got what Noah got
Lucius is thinking “I feel very stabbed right now.”
Screw this safe color crap!
We have a lot of secrets here in The Village.
Time to recap…in case you missed it. Here is all the shit we said that you missed.
Please return to your vehicle? Do you see a vehicle?
I am from “The Woods.”
Oh hey…listen to tall this depressing news…cause now you want to live in The Village
Hey…it’s the director.
mmm…my fridge is full of medial use and rotten bananas!
Hey Jay…where is the maintenance ladder?
She’s crying cause she knows her son is a wussy and got beat by a blind girl.
Hey I know! We have told a bunch of lies that ended poorly…let’s tell some more lies! This is working out great!
Greetings human, I am Dudley Duddits of the Space Mounties and I am in pursuit of Donnie Duddits. He’s….uh…how do you humans say…special?
Apparently, he has emotionally attached himself to a cartoon dog with a speech impediment and hopes to endear himself to you humans by taking on these properties. Wow, this is more complicated than necessary.
Anywho, have you encountered such a being?
Also, did you know, it’s butt weasel season? Be sure to cover your orifices human.
Coincidently, we have been monitoring your people…and I have a friendly bet going with the crew.
if it is bestiality when a human attempts to mate with an animal…gross by the way…is it then called me-stiality when one attempts to please oneself? The Galaxy wants to know.
Geez, how much Oxy and Day time TV was King watching when he wrote this. Kiss my bender.
Directed by Lawrence Kasdan. With Morgan Freeman, Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, Damian Lewis. Friends on a camping trip discover that the town they’re vacationing in is being plagued in an unusual fashion by parasitic aliens from outer space.
Dreamcatcher is a 2003 American science fiction horror film based on Stephen King’s novel of the same name. Directed by Lawrence Kasdan and co-written by Kasdan and screenwriter William Goldman, the film stars Damian Lewis, Thomas Jane, Jason Lee and Timothy Olyphant as four friends who encounter an invasion of parasitic aliens.
Dreamcatcher (2003) – Like expressing something in 280 characters when 140 is sufficient. Still room for a Butt Weasels.
This sure is a lot of opening credits
This was 5 minutes after X-Files movie?
It’s a dream-catcher and SSDD
EARLY GRAVE! I prefer being late.
King never shy’s away from Fat as Fear…
Time to off yourself. Psycho Psychiatrist. Jonesy?
Great you just shot the guy next door.
So far…office jobs.
Is everybody Psychic?
another desk job.
Best fried clams in the state…that is a weird first date.
The key trick does not get you dates.
Half past 6…she ain’t gonna be there.
Jason Lee is the only one without a job. Unless you count drunk with a toothpick.
Beaver has nothing. Jonesy has wife and kids.
Save ON MEATS!
As soon as we figured out a way to show people getting hit by cars on film. We used the hell out of it.
Otch Out Fo Miestr Gay
Bite My Bag.
Wait…Beaver got a blow job from a lady after Bingo?
Derry? Like in IT and other Stephen King small town stories?
In the movies. Kiss when you wake up?
Keep Duddits on the 3rd level
20 years out to Hole in the wall.
Duddits is our dreamcatcher.
Scooby Doo lunch box!
You want to eat half of this dog turd? I mean that is like 5 way turd
Pete can fly.
What kind of bully standoff is this. Happens all the time in Stephen King world.
Oooby oooby dooo…
No Bounce, No Play…sometimes I think Stephen King writes down everything he thinks.
Jonesy’s brain warehouse is the warehouse where they meet duddits
Snow in the eye!! glasses..phew.
That’s no deer! That’s a maaan! A stumble man.
Jonesy got ran over by a car and 6 months later only has a limp.
Indian Charm…catches nightmares.
They keep the Dreamcatcher in the hole int he wall.
Is it on the wagon or off the wagon.
Henry forced the guy to eat himself to death. Is that ever listed as cause of death?
Toothpicks are gross.
Mother used to feed me pea soup…
Have you been eating wood chuck turds?
There are fart jokes….there are lots of gross fart jokes.
If you need to urk. also, don’t take a shit in the linen closet.
The kids do not look much like the adults.
Know what is a bad idea…getting a run at a hill in the snow.
I’ve never flipped a car. Unsure if I would be laughing about it.
Peanut Butter calms me down. How do you eat peanut butter…spoon? butter knife? finger?
Great jump scare…saw it from a mile away…but still. Miss Roadkill got me.
Trying to keep a toothpick in your mouth while yelling at a helicopter.
Why is God (Morgan Freeman.) watching me with his huge prosthetic eye worms?
Is this SSDD? In other words is this just weird shit or has the day finally come?
haha…Scooby Dooby Doo we got some work to do now.
What the hell does No Bounce, No Play mean.
Turd is a clinker.
Did you guys used to soak toothpicks in cinnamon?
Humor and Horror go hand in hand.
Blue Bayou comfort song.
Blue vs Gray?
That is one strong worm creature.
Oh man…that door handle coming off in your hand…that is the worst!
Beaver made a sacrifice. Was his power premonitions? bad feelings? I got a bad feeling about this Jonesy
That is one big alien. He’s translucent…and slimy.
Oh…his head popped into a red mist…gross.
Time to mobilize the military.
Is it my imagination or are Morgan Freeman’s eyebrows even bigger in this movie.
Named after that broad in Aliens.
Grey Boy look…
The Shit Weasels!
The alien only infects some.
We are not regular army…thank goodness Maple came in to explain it back to us.
Oh…do not Scout’s honor when the general has a loaded gun.
So much blood in this movie.
25 years he has been fighting aliens.
In Fast and hard , out clean and smiling.
She ain’t napping for farts!
The scene everybody loves…the Jonesy snap to smile.
The truck that handles like a luxury car.
Know things. Talk to one another. Duddits gave them the gift.
Writing your name in the snow….dick chomp!
Fire to the crotch is the only way to stop those things.
Mighty Mouse is on the way!
Beaver had nothing in his head.
Pete knows Mr. Gray is a bond Villian.
whisper messages while talking. Repeat emphasis?
The red stuff looks like rust for organics.
He used Beaves catchphrase.
Did he not notice the dead man in the tub?
Oh. They lay eggs…really gross eggs.
oh no…they already hatched!
King uses leaches and wormy things a lot.
What is up with these guys and dropping sticks.
Can you light a match with your finger? Strike anywhere matches.
ohh…they use a maneuver called dreamcatcher with duddits in the middle.
Love this music they use when trying to locate the missing girl. It reminds me of 90s Goosebumps music.
Kids love hanging around trains! In King stories anyways.
Alien space crash.
I’m that dog. I’m that monster.
Aww…the greys are so swee….oh fuck! What are those things! Wormy shits…kill ’em all.
That ship has a self destruct and boy..
Bite my bag.
Wait…has he infested Jonesys body or is he mimicking it? Cause he just morphed into an alien.
Where is Jonesy? Is he in the head?
Grote…don’t eat the meat!
He’s got 4 boxes of Duddits…I could eat 4 boxes of Duddits at the movies. mmm…Milk Duddits.
That is a lot of hazmat suits.
Do we still say “Getting too old for this shit?”
The study shows squats.
A hitchhiker is our greatest fear.
Blue Boys, Blue Zone, Blue Camp. Blue Blue.
Shop at Walmart and never misses an episode of Friends
hehe…in true military fashion. He calls Eddie Dr. Boston…cause that is where he is from.
Over the Curtis line!
Time for some Star Wars wipes….lots of them.
call 1-800-Henry…that ain’t even numbers.
How much crack am I smoking right now? The gun is a phone. MY GUN IS A PHONE..EVERYTHING IS A PHONE.
Nice sweater jacket. Lukemia! No…not Duddits! Not the duds! Also, those Scooby Doo lunchboxes are indestructible.
Victory pose mom!
Uh oh…that gun has a tracker in it.
Keeping an Asian in your Truck closet.
What happened in Montana? Several mentions. Shit must have went bad. Tell us that story!
He ate the trooper!
Poor old Donnie. He looks sick!
Mr Gay is Mr. Gray. Mr. Gray wants war…or water. Duds
One worm…One worm to kill the world.
Would the military let a helicopter just fly away without pursuit?
Go faster! Oops…car and snow no go. No Snow. No Go.
That may be overkill to kill somebody with a helicopter.
Morgan Freeman wore fake eyebrows! What!
Shoot him! Shoot him!
How heavy are manhole covers?
I can understand that big eel weasel getting int he water and causing problems. But that little jiggly worm would prolly get eet.
So the alien was inside…but is a mist? that can become solid? or did it come out of his butthole? or did the mist come from his butthole?
Oh hi, this week’s movie is about a horse (a fricken’ horse) and his man. A horseman.
Why a horse movie you may ask? I’ll tell you why we watched this dumbass horse movie, because I made the mistake of revealing to my friends (and the Internet), my distrust for these muscle bound beasts of burden with brains the size of a human child’s brain. Brains by the way which horses use to calculate how long they have to wait before they can stop pretending to be your friend and start kicking your ass into the ground!
Puny human! You have hoof holes for a face now. Let’s get ice cream! Look at me I’ve got the brain of a 5 years old with the body of a killer! I’m in your kitchen. (Neigh, Neigh) Unpredictable.
Directed by Sydney Pollack. With Robert Redford, Jane Fonda, Valerie Perrine, Willie Nelson. A rodeo star past his prime steal his company’s horse and rides off into the desert, with a feisty female reporter accompanying him.
The Electric Horseman is a 1979 American western adventure- romance film starring Robert Redford and Jane Fonda and directed by Sydney Pollack. The film is about a former rodeo champion who is hired by a cereal company to become its spokesperson, and then runs away on a $12 million electric-lit horse and costume he is given to promote it in Las Vegas.
The Electric Horseman (1979) – Like every Willie Nelson cowboy song ever in one movie. Toast, Bacon…eggs…EGGS!
Shhh…tranquil! Damnit Willie. You are gonna scare off the asshole horse.
That golfer looks like he took a shot to the nuts!
1969! Buckle Trophy. What were those made of?
My heroes have always been cowboys? How come?
Uh oh…broke the shoulder.
Now is the part of the song where we play weird instruments…and a harmonica.
Whose magazine rack is that.
Mustache…no mustache…stache…no stache
Ranch Breakfast…it’s full of cow shit.
Chicken Livers 79 cents!
Ahhh…he is like a byline now. Things went from Buckles to Bunk.
Like pushing boots on a drunk rodeo star…
My silky shirt is pinching my man chest.
Our HalfTime Theme of Champions of the world…or “look what we dug up.”
Ohh…the horse is electric!
Hey kids! Do you like cereal? I have cereal! and booze! Mostly booze.
On the ground again.
Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be drunk cowboys.
Ranch Breakfast makes you explode with energy. Toast, Bacon, Eggs and More Toast and Bacon and Meatloaf and Olives…oh and my nuts.
Kind of creepy…riding Sonny Steele ride on with kids. I can ride my own horse old man.
Ampco does everything.
We need some Michelob
Nothing worse than little Venus.+
Willie Nelson, you can’t sing your song you sing in real life as a character in a movie! Breaking me.
What the hell…how am I down on the field when I am right here…how drunk am i right now?
You just got replaced by a stand in.
Indians make watchbands?
Is this movie all cowboy songs by Willie Nelson? No wonder they hired him. Probably got a hell of a deal on the music.
What’s that horse doing here in the parking lot?
Foggy Taints wife?
Don’t tell no jokes and don’t lift no skirts.
5 Times rodeo champ…now selling cereal.
A little bute.
Your horse is stoned…and I’m drunk. We could party.
“Ain’t that right Rising Star!”
This weird ass Cowboy Con.
“The mean question lady.”
Elevating our anti-hero by introducing an even eviler guy(s)
Come on. I was just kidding. I don’t want a divorce.
Signing divorce papers in a bar in Vegas. Happens every five minute.
uh. Disco Magic! Listen to the funky sound….what…no Willie Nelson?
Stone Cold Sober.
If the horse was hurt. Wouldn’t it have been more humane to just shoot the horse. Instead of riding it through the Casino and then down the streets of Vegas.
People cheer for any weird shit riding through Vegas…”yeah…this is normal!” Cheer!
Hi, I’m Willie Nelson. I sing about horses and cowboys.
Just temporarily sterile. It goes away.
One Drunken Cowboy can take down a corporation.
Ampco primary concern is the health of the horse?
Investigative reporter. Let’s check the tape.
This Cowboy can’t stop stealing stuff!? Or did he borrow from Gus?
Horse in an RV making meth. Breaking Cowboy
What kind of horse voodoo is he working.
Gus is an odd bird.
“I work for television.” The whole damn thing?
That is a big bag of something she is sitting on.
This movie has some really hard cuts. One minute she is sitting on a giant bag of something talking to Gus during the day. The next minute she is getting punched in the face at night?
When cats sneak up on Robert Redford he punches them in the face. He likes horses.
You want information? It’s 1979. Go to the library.
12 Million dollar horse
Welcome to my cowboy sauna. It’s dark and full of beans.
Captured horse thief ain’t no story.
Watching some Mr. Magoo
This movie should be titled “I’m calling your bluff.” Cutting tires. Walking out.
He’s not a mean drunk! He’s just a drunk. How dare you defame my anti-hero!
hehe…do people still get off on dirty phone calls?
Since when does a corporation track someone like the FBI?
Damn she brought all the gear. Typical woman trope…high heels in the nature.
They would have the horse wearing short pants and smoking cigars.
Why is Redford so worried about the horse being sterile.
I like how he gave her the best speech ever before the camera was rolling. Then the worst speech ever while rolling.
Damn that woman! That’s why I left her…her and her big…
What is the letter? It’s got a stamp
Television must not pay a lot in 1979
RimRock Canyon in Utah.
A place that horses like; Rim Rock Canyon.
WHAT’S IN THE LETTER!
He’s a cereal cowboy.
Going to St. George…unless they moved the road.
There is a cop convention in town. A COP CONVENTION!
Ahh…the “I’m coming along” trope.
Using a cowboy hat to hide to hide when they are looking for a cowboy.
Seems reasonable. Horse can outrun cop cars and motorcycles…cause a horse has at least…1 horsepower.
Late 70s chase music was always funk…it literally sounds like every episode of C.H.I.P.S
Ok genius…you caught up with the guy on the horse on your motorcycle. Now what? Gonna bring him down?
Was it standard for cops to wear helmets in the cars during possible pursuit situations during the late 70s?
Gee I wonder if one of these cop cars will end up on top of the other cop car? bump… Well I’ll be damned.
She captured the part he didn’t know she was shooting.
Cowboys love open cans of beans. Just lay them around like decoration.
We are walking…with our feet.
No way can you eat that many beans and expect to make out city folk.
Gawd I want to be GUS. “I’m in the kitchen!” “My Wild Blue Yonder! I bought it in Elko!”
Wilfred good guy.
Sonny Steele. NORMAN!
Oh please tell me Randy is going to sing the National Anthem!
That poor horse. That poor mean horse.
My name is Alice. Alice and Norman.
Poor Diana Ross. Here name is all over this movie. Never seen her once. She’s the Chick in the bucket.
That kiss tastes like pills and beans.
Morning? Where did you get cheese?
Norman get the “getting up medal.”
Trope. Lady Luggage. Time to lighted the load.
Treating each other like children. It’s how relationships work.
You can name anything…anything…like they did with their names.
Get on this horse lady!
Caller…turn down your radio
“Is this Russian?” I think he may be illiterate. Is that what we are implying.
People love rebel cereal. Even though the profits go to the company.
Mom gone to get Butane Louise.
Ask a kid how much to make a call. “One Dollar!”
If that kid can read her note then my theory that Norman is illiterate may have merit. I guess he could have vision troubles…but he had trouble seeing at all in her prescription glasses. But…wait…he read the script earlier in the movie. Maybe he just has a little vision problem…or maybe he is crazy.
A 3 day trip.
You bastard! You lied to me!
You sent that sterile race horse out to fight the mares! Foool!
ahh…look…they are coming to great him. Nope!
Wait…is he coming or is he going…how many horses am I looking at right now!
Alright! A slow version of a cowboy song.
A donut with a candle in it? That is something for the road?
Haha…she ain’t got no bags bus man.
Ampco needs a new logo? Cause it was a horse. What they got now?
Oh hi! Patrick Dempsey “No Talent” Agency circa late 80s, how may I destroy your childhood memories today?
oh, you say you have a role for a sex crazed high school senior or college freshman who is kind of dorky but the ladies find him dreamy despite his low social status and penchant for low paying jobs like mowing lawns and delivering pizza?
Yeah we got those here. We got a whole shit can of those here. We shave them once a day and anything below the eyebrows gets a waxing. The ladies love it! Young and old.
Well here is as an inappropriate time as any to talk about money. Dempsey is going to need somewhere between .35 cents and 200 dollars for his services. You can pay that in cash or hats.
While, money can’t buy you love, hats can buy you a Dempsey.
Yes we take Neiman Marcus and Sam Goody’s. I mean it is the late 80s after all and Goody Got It.
Can’t Buy Me Love is a 1987 American teen romantic comedy feature film starring Patrick Dempsey and Amanda Peterson in a story about a nerd at a high school in Tucson, Arizona who gives a cheerleader $1,000 to pretend to be his girlfriend for a month.
Can’t Buy Me Love (1987) – Like take a look at my forehead, do you see a sign on my head that says “good 80s movie?” High 5’s & woos follow.
Funky late 80s music. Check. Oh…now it’s that other song.
Arizona! Who has grass in Arizona?
Nice Safari Hat.
Is that a Snapper? Yep.
Who applauds a grass cutting? These guys.
White Rabbit with girls in it. Yuck.
Is it hot or is it cold? We got jackets and cut off shirts.
Cindy…only the Neiman Marcus card.
Mother…get serious. Be more like the Miller boy?
Seriously…how do you make money cutting grass in Arizona?
Who crimped that girls hair…they crimped the hell out of it.
Soo goood. I miss the hydro massage…thanks Stocky Jones.
Number 10…The kid had on a number 10 shirt as well.
Taking some sweet jumps on my huffy.
What is up with his hat choices. Safari Hat. Now a French beret.
The cool Clique. (sp)
Cards is for retards? Can’t say that now.
Want to be popular…get a Ferrari…and a chic
Tic-Tac Tile Dad.
Rock is all class.
I said no. not my suede outfit.
Where are the fat kids in this movie?
Ronald…not at the table please. Jerking off to your science mag
1500 dollars (331 miles of grass 4.54 mile) – 1502.74 (286 Lawns)
Preschool Jam Session at Julies
Cards with the tards. Cards Chips Dips and Dorks.
That is Severe Suede. Fine leather from Des Moines
Who high-fives with wine? This guy. (it was ripple.)
You can’t return a Ripple stained outfit.
Do not do it. Do not give that girl $1000 dollars…RENT HER!
If you are paying cash for a suede outfit…you can get a better deal than $1000
For a month. Average month is 30 days.
Now come on Donald. Ronald.
No sleeves and a popped collar. (Dick with ears.)
Go Badgers. Go Honey Badgers.
Home Economics. Can you wear no shirt with an apron?
Take a look at my forehead…do you see a sign on my head that says “information?” – That deserved a high five and a woo.
All these kids do is eat. How are there no fat kids!
I’m living in a box…a cardboard box….I’m writing a song…about a box
now let’s switch up to Secret Agent man. They must have gotten a deal on old songs.
Don’t be taking up for Bobby.
What is he drinking.
Look at those classic Doritos and coke! and sprite
Ronnie likes to cut grass and wash cars and look at stars and rent cheerleaders by the month.
Are all teenagers in movies hairless? I feel like we were a lot hairier in my hometown.
She shared her poetry with Ronnie. He is friend-zoned.
If she can charge so much on her mom’s card why did she take Ronald’s money. Couldn’t she just have bought another suede suit on her mom’s card and pretended like it was something else.
The Airplane Graveyard.
ahhh…he was born the day they landed on the moon.
Man. We do not live on the moon.
Well Ronnie ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
Chucky get’s all the Ricky gas in the face. No wonder he is so stunted.
Now he is getting all the ladies.
Well that ain’t Dick Clark. African Ant Eater Ritual? Not at the Columbus Day Dance.
I never went to a high school dance that booked the latest hottest band.
Cindy is trying to hook up with more nerds. Once you go nerd you can never go “herd.”
Wait…is he doing the African Ant Eater Ritual or the special Ed.
This is the part where I thrust my boobs at you.
I can’t help but to think Ronnie is splashing everybody with hair gel.
Everything is Severe in this movie
“Only one other titty quite this pretty?” How long is too long to wait for some tit?
Time to nut up. Time to shitbomb your old friends house with your new chums.
Cindy is trying. Now she is vodka.
Quint is the worst
Time to walk the house of sex rooms.
Uh oh…Bobby is home.
Bobby thinks Ronnie makes .35 cents an hour.
oh man. Cindy really laid down the shame.
The worst waist of 1000 dollars.
Rep score from 10 to 0
It’s Tucson, Arizona. Why is he Wonderful Life Walking like it’s cold.
Even his lunch is in a bag on a tray. Bag tray. Tray bag
Ahh…Video Games. Much less complicated than the social order of high school.
He wore his geek clothes to the arcade then wore his cool kid clothes to see Cindy.
Once month of detention for going into the ladies room. That is severe.
Oh hi and welcome Cadets to Project X or as I like to call it Project “What Could Possibly Go Wrong.” Here we have assembled an elite force of Air Force pilots to train a team of carefully vetted primates who we will be working with to test the effects of radiation exposure on pilots in case of a second strike scenario.
Just kidding, we actually gathered the Bad News Bears of flying military personnel to train some chimps picked by a guy on a dock somewhere… what was wearing a “sorting hat.” We then takes those chimps and have them fly through some “bad juju” complete with a Jack In The Box style Global Thermal Nuclear Device that I use to heat my coffee. Shall we play a game? Goliath, my coffee is getting cold. Give it 2 more rads, ya damn dirty ape.
Project X is a 1987 American science fiction comedy-drama film produced by Walter F. Parkes and Lawrence Lasker, directed by Jonathan Kaplan, and starring Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt. The plot revolves around a USAF Airman (Broderick) and a graduate student (Hunt) who are assigned to care for chimpanzees used in a secret Air Force project.
Directed by Jonathan Kaplan. With Matthew Broderick, Helen Hunt, Willie, Okko. An Air Force pilot joins a top secret military experiment involving chimps, but begins to suspect there might be something more to the mysterious “Project X”.
Project X (1987) – Like an actual portrayal of the Air Force; bunch of flying chimps! Just kidding, don’t bomb my house ya damn dirty apes.
Roll that beautiful stock footage!
That is one serious giraffe. Shoo…fly away bird
Do you ever feel like a giraffe is staring at you?
Meanwhile down at the “Apes for Ants” cafe.
“eat the bug off my stick! eat it! ”
It’s a brush full of men!
‘Don’t shock the monkey! Cause he’s an ape!”
James Horner does the music! it’s been a while!
Let’s make a deal with the overly enthusiastic animal poacher.
Who is this guy? The monkey whisperer? The Calaban of apes….he’s the sorting man. Kind of reminds me of Curious George and the man in the banana suit…HAT!
Aww…look how young…no…not the ape… Helen Hunt.
This means apple…also, pointing to this apple means apple.
Is it a good idea to eat the monkey’s apple?
Why does the sign for apple look like “She’s abusing me in the face officer.”
“What time is it?” Half past a freckle on a monkey’s ass.
Virgil wants to fly! Just like back at the “I’m Ape For Ants Cafe”
Wonder if that is a real monkey making noises or if it is Helen Hunt?
“No, it’s not play time.” This movie could be subtitled that. Space X: It’s Not Play Time.
That is not a real clock dude….what is the sign for “dumbass.”
Virgil is hairy; not stupid.
The National Health Foundation.
Man, I thought cats were expensive. 15k to buy. 10k yearly upkeep.
“Virgil, Fly…like bird…like in Wizard of Oz. Cept with Apes. Why should monkeys have all the fun. Helen Hunt kind of looks like the wicked witch.”
How convenient…Virgil joins the air force. The monkey dreams of flying one day…joins the air force…oh c’mon!
Them monkey are excited to see Virgil. FRESH MEAT!
They ain’t ever going to let him fly again…not in that shirt.
Bueller doesn’t seem like a screw up. wait..
Cue the silly music.
Rule: pound for pound 7 times stronger than us.
“No funny stuff mister” – Do we still say that?
Clapping monkey doesn’t know when to clap. “Yay! oh wait…YAY!”
Lady with the blond hair…all lady with blond hair look the same to Virgil.
What is Broderick mopping? Is it ape pee? I hope it’s ape pee. or is Broderick sort of the Clarice in this situation. Whenever you walks by the cage/cells Goofy throws ape goo at him.
Moon is in the seventh house but I’m still knocking on the 6th door. Pretty sure that is a rock ballad from the 70s
Circus Chimp. They are the worst. Smoking. Trying to get me to win a prize for my pretty lady.
Humans are stupid. End sentence
Thank goodness for sign language lady from United Way who quickly taught Broderick basic sign language.
I don’t believe it! You must have been a united way ape!
dumbass…what did he expect the monkey to be signing. Of course he is signed out. He’s in a cage…you think he is going to be signing “Penthouse Magazine?” That is a totally different gesture.
A new girl in the neighborhood! Let us out…what is the sign for making it like a couple of apes?
All of this sign language could been resolved with pointing. Teach an ape to point.
Virgil is making friends with everyone! He’s fulfilling all of the ape desires! Virgil knows all…he even knows Broderick wants to fly. He’s more than smart..he’s the wishmaster.
He’s an ape genie.
The Joy Of Signing. We’ve all read it?
Diamond shaped smile ape freaks me out. Make my Diamond face.
great…now my nickname is razzleberry. What would be your Ape Nick name?
Maybe we rename Goofy to Homicidal maniac.
Virgil just got his blue belt…err…collar…TOTALLY not ape slaves.
Pretty sure kissing your trainee is frowned upon. That is like teacher/student loving right there…and that is wrong…right there.
What happened to Watts? Man in the Bucket.
Blue Beard. Walking the mile…walking the ape/chimp mile.
Before drones…apes were our best bet to mitigate human losses?
“Trainer evacuate chamber.” – me when playing pokemon go and taking a poo
Slow motion staring ape is scary as hell.
mmm…that’s some good radiated coffee. “How many rads is this coffee son? Give it two more rads would ja”
“Lord of the Apes.”
Giving our Apes cute nicknames was probably not a good idea. Unless you want to call them things like Chicken Nuggets. Bag of Popcorn. Defrost.
Come on Virgil. Straighten up…You are making it so easy for me to want to zap fry you Virgil.
Jimmy fell for the oldest trick in the book…”lemmie see your BIC pen for a minute. GO GET IT BOY!”
“Red Collar equals gurney nap.” – Virgil’s mind
Virgil is a tattletale! “GUESS WHAT I SAW! Hoo hoo hoo! Screech! Gurney Naps For All! hoo hoo hoo”
Trope/True – Old white men are evil.
Not the red neck! Anything but the red neck Jimmy!
Movie Logic: Cause I learned sign language…I am smart at other things as well. I am practically human now.
No way if you break into a room of your superiors and run your mouth do you not get thrown in the brigg.
Off Hour Entry – EpPPpppPpp
Apes stakes good! <- what?
“Way to go Jimmy…we had everything under control until you set off the alarm. Now our sky light escape is ruined Jimmy…Ruined!” – Virgil Ape
Who was Goofy calling on the phone? “Hello, I would like 2 dozen pizzas delivered to the lab the air force base.”
Goofy Bird to you Doctor!
Does Clappy have a nickname…cause I’m calling him Clappy.
Oh how the tables have turned. Good thing we have guns in the locker room.
Quick. Throw away that soda and pizza plate! The doc is here!
Lights Off…Light on…Lights Off….sure I fly experimental planes all day…but this….Lights on…Lights off…this satisfies my OCD…Lights on…Lights off.
…and you wonder why we lock up apes…look what happens when you let them out…they go all Planet of the apes on ya!
Uh oh…you released the radiation pod you fools!
Well..that is what happens when you go all 2001 on the radiation pod Goliath
You want a cig Goliath? Too bad Spock face. Now live short and die.
Virgil is way smarter than Goliath. Cause…sign language!
What is the end game here? You are still a bunch of monkey’s in a plane. It’s not like the Air force is going to just let you go.
How much gas did that plane have? like a gallon. Monkey’s never had to fuel up in the SIM.
“Sir the bottom is too soft.” – please capture audio Scott!
You are free Slave Apes…now form a society of intellectual apes and enslave us humans one day.
Monkey names first in the credits. What about the humans!
Pretty sure this is how Planet of the apes starts.
Directed by Wes Craven. With Heather Langenkamp, Johnny Depp, Robert Englund, John Saxon. Several people are hunted by a cruel serial killer who kills his victims in their dreams. While the survivors are trying to find the reason for being chosen, the murderer won’t lose any chance to kill them as soon as they fall asleep.
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a 1984 American slasher film written and directed by Wes Craven, and the first film of the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. The film stars Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon, Ronee Blakley, Amanda Wyss, Jsu Garcia, Robert Englund, and Johnny Depp in his feature film debut.
Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – Like a giant pimple on your forehead forever captured on celluloid. For Pete’s sake Nancy, pop that thing!
That places looks like tetanus (Tet-Anus)
Lamb in the halls..metaphorical dude! RUN
You can see through here nightgown. Probably on purpose.
This is a pretty complicated shot with all the shadows and smoke? Right? Maybe. Who is the CinnamonTographer?
This music and effects are abrasive. Intentionally. I wonder if they used one of them horror music homemade dealies.
Why is it always in the boiler room? Perhaps they will tell us more about the boiler room later in the movie?
Freddie pops up with laser shot noises. pew pew pew
It was just a dream mamma!
Mamma is getting some and by some I mean some of that old man spaghetti.
The Freddie song! 1-2…Freddie’s coming for you….3-4… shhh…I’m trying to see if I can remember it from my childhood! 3-4 Better lock the door. 5-6 Crucifix. 7-8 Something something about don’t be late. 9-10 Freddie’s creeping again. 11-12 You’re out of bed? Twelve…belve…shit….
OGR 805 – Johnny (Glen) is driving an old convertible…and man can he hop!
“I had a hard on when I woke up this morning.” Thanks Glenn…so does 90% of the male population in high school…give that man a boner prize.
Up yours with a toilet what?!?
“Tell yourself it’s just a dream and you wake up.” Works for Depp. So not true.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE HAVING A NIGHTMARE? I don’t dream bitches. I killed the sandman a long time ago. NEVER SLEEP!
Got a cousin who lives near the airport…cousin Barry.
When your jambox Foley work is subpar. You are BUSTED. Also, Glen’s mom is the second clueless parent so far. Tina’s mom being the first.
Creepy music makes a creepy story creepy. finger-knives! screee
Nike Sweater Vest pull over…you deserve to die Johnny ‘Glen’ Depp
Kittie Kittie. Chow Chow Chow. (was that a thing? I think I remember a commercial.) Chow Mix?
Hey Rod. You are a dick…and did you forgot to button your shirt up buddy. Nobody wants to see your happy trail.
A sleepover date? Pretty sure that is not a thing. I guess we got away with it from time to time. Did you guys?
Trope…girls gotta stick up for one another…especially when she is dating a creep…always cramps the good guys style.
Ahhh…listening to others have sex…best time. Have you ever had to listen to sex. What did you do?
I guess Tina wanted to wander down Rod’s happy trail after all. TINA MUST DIE.
Nice effect! What a magic trick! Freddie pushing through and then it’s solid.
I think I will go outside in only my shirty-shirt when someone whisper yells my name.
eeek! Garbage pale kids are coming for you? or Oscar the grouch? All we have are those plastic roller trash cans now. I miss the old noisy aluminum cans of my childhood. You know the ones…the ones that were booby traps for late night burglars to bumble over…or possibly you if you are trying to sneak away.
This is god? Your right glove? what do you call left hand. The left hand of god? The lefty. The other hand. Not god?
What’s your body made of? Maggots and Freon?
Do not bring Freddie back with you….do not do it…it sounds like a good plan…but no.
Tidy Whitties on an Italian?
Oh this is getting bloody Tina. No Tina…not on the walls!
Dad is the police chief.
I see why Nancy is so screwed up now. Her mom is an alcoholic and her dad is the Sgt.
Did we ever do that? Show dead arms hanging off gurneys on TV? Maybe in the 70s…but surely not in the 80s!
We liked big buttoned collars in the 80s. The more drunk you are…the bigger buttons you need.
Jump Scare. Rod loves to surprise people. He’s the real villain here.
Maybe if Barry buttoned his shirt once in a while we wouldn’t have to arrest him.
“Look a switchblade!” – Cop One says with surprise.
Nancy don’t wanna sleep! Nancy sleep.
“Where’s your pass! Screw your pass!” – Breaking the law!
Tina’s back…in a body bag! That is a lot of blood in that body bag BTW
It says NO STUDENTS ALLOWED Nancy! Roaming the halls with no pass as well. You are so going to get at least 2 demerits. Did you get demerits in school? If you got 10…that was a paddling.
Freddie consists of green mucus and maggots. mmm.
eeeek! It was all a nightmare. Also, my teacher is the hippie medium from Insidious I believe. She can’t get out of the horror racket. It chewed her up.
Freddie gave Nancy a hickey? Nope…it’s a burn.
Hate those inflatable bath pillows. Don’t fall asleep in the tub…it happens all the time…well why did you give me this ugly bath pillow if you didn’t want me to sleep.
“Don’t fall asleep in the tub….but here is a pillow. A gross inflatable fungus ridden pillow…NOW DON’T FALL ASLEEP!”
Mom is going to turn down my bed for me….maybe if you had of turned dad down Dad once in a while I wouldn’t have to exist.
Let’s take some Stay Awake and watch some scary movies to avoid nightmares. Thumbs Up!
Nancy…what is that knot on your forehead? Zit cream stat!
Oh god I look 20 years old…like that is a bad thing. I no longer like Nancy.
Johnny Depp and Nancy are teeth twins.
You stay awake (guard) while I nap. WHAT, YOU FELL ASLEEP!
5th precinct sucks.
1-2…I’m watching you.
you get to star most of the movie in a body bag Tina. Sorry about your luck.
Those stepping into the paint buckets full of glue and oatmeal on the steps is bad effects. I get what they were going for. It failed. Good try though
No my favorite Pillow!!! Feathers are everywhere!
Glen…you had one job…
Mom has all the sexy lingerie. Is she a stay at home prostitute?
Glen done fell asleep on the stoop. You just know it…he’s like a narcoleptic. Wasn’t that a thing in Dream Warriors? Part 3?
“We have reason to believe….” – Glenn….do you think you are a cop? Why are you talking like that son.
Mom has a plan. A very bad plan. It probably involves Vodka.
Dad knows more than he is saying. Spit it out dad!
Katja Sleep Study. This ought to go over well.
They put that probe right on Nancy’s forehead pimple.
Dr. Roger Rabbit. Puhhhlease Freddy…
Look what I got! I got his hat…I hope his head is cold in scary dream world. Dick.
It’s real mom…touch it….PSYKE! NOPE…YOU CAN’T TOUCH IT!
Fred Krueger…it’s in the hat mom…and so are his old gross man hairs..
Nancy is going gray
Back when you could back hand your kids and not go to jail.
Noooo! Not the booze Nancy!. It’s ok…I have more…everywhere in the house apparently.
Dream Skills…I got mad dream skills.
Rules! Will they use them?
Glen: You ever read about the Balinese way of dreaming? Nancy: No. Glen: They got a whole system they call “dream skills”. So, if you have a nightmare, for instance like falling, right? Nancy: Yeah. Glen: Instead of screaming and getting nuts, you say, okay, I’m gonna make up my mind that I fall into a magic world where I can get something special, like a poem or song. They get all their art literature from dreams. Just wake up and write it down. Dream skills. Nancy: And what if they meet a monster in their dream? Then what? Glen: They turn their back on it. Takes away its energy, and it disappears. Nancy: What happens if they don’t do that? Glen: I guess those people don’t wake up to tell what happens.
Dream Skills. I got booby trap skills!
Bars on the windows…mom works fast. I mean like in a few hours she barred that whole place up.
Even put bars on the door window…like you could crawl through that.
That moment when mom asks you to go to the cellar with her.
A filthy child murderer. The Lawyers got fat and the judges got famous.
YOU KEPT HIS KNIVES! YOU KEPT HIS KNIVES! Don’t worry…mommy killed him.
Cut off shirts! ahhhh yeah! Thanks for the abs Glen.
Prisoner of Zendor? Zendar? Prisoner of Zenda!
7th Day of no sleep…11 is the record. -Nancy Says…well you got a timeline on your hands.
Whatever you do…Don’t Fall Asleep… CUT…oh yeah…that is so going in the trailer.
Miss Nude America…is that his mom or his Grandma?
Where the hell did Nancy have that Coffee Pot? it’s freaking plugged in and brewed!
No way is that Johnny Depp’s dad.
“You know what I think…I think that girl is a lunatic.” Glen’s Dad
Nancy done took so many pills she is a free bleeder. or is it the coffee.
How much Vodka does mom have stashed. I see where Nancy learned to hide beverages now.
Glenn’s dad is kind of a dick…and he is wearing some kind of cult necklace pendent.
Fred has a phone? Uh…yes…Hello…this is Fred.
Do you remember the DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince. Nightmare on my street?
Never. Ever. Ever. Answer a phone that is ripped out of the wall.
That phone has a tongue and it wants to lick you.
That poor phone…
Locked! Locked! Locked!
Who sleeps with a TV on their crotch?
Glenn got surcked into a bed hole.
That is a lot of blood.. Glenn is made of blood. like a whole trash can full. maybe 2.
Why did you call an ambulance? Haha…you don’t need a stretcher…you need a mop.
Hey papa…wave papa…hey papa.
How does Nancy know 20 minutes is the timeline? RULE
Is that a lifesaver? Butterscotch I hope?
Soooo…in 20 minutes time…she macgyvered booby traps…comforted mom.. 10 minutes…. fell asleep…found fred and return.
What is in that ambulance? that they need a siren. Blood for the bloodbank?
That cellar has everything. Dogs playing poker. Freddie’s knife glove. oooh…Vodka! Freddie’s Basement.
In the afterlife.. Fred collects souls
Everybody labels their stuff in this movie. Fred’s Hat. Glenn’s Headphones. Hall Monitor!
You my bitch now Freddie!!
Nancy “Home Aloned” Freddie
“Get my dad asshole!” – Nancy
Clueless parents…Clueless cops…
I would love to see all the Freddie falls.
“Daddy I did it!”
Burning foot prints…that is bad ass.
how many bed deaths are there?
What…you just saw your ex-wife get sucked into the abyss and you are going to leave your daughter in that room?
Wait…did she beat Freddie or did he beat her? Is Nancy dead?
I forgot about this ending! Is she still dreaming! Will I have to watch Part 2 to know?
Oh hi! This week’s movie is one of them Future/Past dealies. You know, where they make a film in 1981 but it takes place in 1998 but you are watching it in 2017 and you are thinking how it is going to be at least 2018 before the president builds a wall around New York. You know….one of them movies.
Also, did you ever consider: this is a movie about a one-eyed Snake being inserted into a dirty hole who is just trying to pull out before his head explodes? Dirty Carpenter is always dirty. 400%